Equilibrium
by Ilich
Summary: "What is certain is that my life depends on the equilibrium of the families I am part of." Leon reminiscences about his life, his family, and how he managed to be at peace with it. Human AU. Nyo China, Nyo France. IggyChu, FrUk- RoChu


When I was a child my father used to tell me about the day he met my mother.

He said he was 23 years old, during one of his numerous travels, he is part of a well-known company that runs along the seven seas, bringing goods to every corner of the world.

He had met her due to a trip to Hong Kong, she was the daughter of a business contact in there, the man (my grandfather) had taken him and others to celebrate a dinner at his home in Beijing, father said he was flabbergasted by how beautiful she was.

He recalled making a fool of himself, trying to impress her. My mom would later say that he was so clumsy and nervous that night that she found him quite cute.

After that, my father tried to meet her, he was nagging at Mr. Wang with made up excuses just to talk with his daughter. Father said that mom was cold and harsh the first time they spoke. On the other hand my Mother expressed that he was corny and sweet, but she was afraid of infuriating her father. After all, she depended on her family, she was only 18.

The months passed and father became a constant visitor in the Wang's household. He would schedule more trips to China than necessary, only to keep in touch with mother. She later told me that he was convincing her of escaping with him.

My father, whose business was settled in England, planned to take mother with him without Mr. Wang's approval. The reason? My grandfather wasn't very keen of him, he didn't dislike father but he refused to give his blessing, saying she was too young for marriage.

The route was from Beijing to Hong Kong and then they would take a ship to England.

They managed to arrive in Hong Kong but the plan was ruined when Mr. Wang put a reward for his lost daughter. No ship would take them out of Hong Kong without turning them in.

They spent two years more in Hong Kong, in which I was conceived, father was neither getting his payments nor help from his brother's back in England.

When I was born, they lived in a small house in Hong Kong, it was possible thanks to my mother's decision of contacting her cousins, who seeing her pregnant, took pity and helped her. When talking about this, father was always bitter, he said the cousins were prideful and would always rub their money on his face, he was especially spiteful of the Korean one, saying he was always encouraging mother to abandon him.

Father never talked to me about the following three years of my birth, he only said that those years made him realize the kind of woman my mother was, and that those years were horrendous enough for him to take the hardest choice of his life.

He saved enough money to pay the ship to take him to England, prepared the luggage and one night decided to leave, he took me with him while mother was asleep.

In the ship he got the help of a woman called Marianne, father said he promised to pay her when they arrived in England, she would sing lullabies for me at night as well as read some stories I don't remember.

I don't remember much about that, I only recall vividly my life in England, surrounded by my uncles and cousins, I remember my father's wedding with Marianne and after that, the arrival of the twins.

I do remember dreaming about my mother, she was becoming a blurry image for me, it didn't help that my father refused to talk about her anymore. He would say that she had abandoned me, that if she really loved me she would have come with us, that she had started a new life and a new family, he said that as I was no longer important to mother, I didn't have to bother to think about her.

I remember feeling jealous at the twins, for they received more attention than I did. I remember my father teaching them how to read, while he just paid a tutor for me. I remember him playing with them in the front yard, while I had to play with the nanny when I was their age, as he was always working away.

I also remember the times he got drunk, they were a few but they still hold a great impact in me.

The first time he arrived at midnight, barely able to walk, he barged into my room and cried, he told me he was sad, that he missed my mother and she wouldn't get back ever again. That was before he married Marianne.

The second time, I had to retrieve him in the pub, while I was carrying him through the stairs, he told me he was proud of the young man I was becoming, he said he was glad I wasn't like him and before I could question him further he passed out.

The third time was inside the house, he had received mail and was cursing and tossing things in his office, Alfred asked me to check on him, arguing that father was less likely to get mad at me.

When I opened the door, father glared at me and told me that my mother was a cruel woman, that she had married a foreign soldier, a communist he said, he told me that she didn't care about me, that she had forgotten my existence and that I should be glad he had taken me with him. I only nodded, embracing him softly, perhaps that way he would calm down, he fell silent and burst into tears, he told me he was a liar and shoved a handful of opened letters into my hands.

After that incident, father became more cautious not only with the alcohol but around me. He started to give me presents: books, clothes, souvenirs from travels. He would often try to engage in conversation with me.

I didn't want to talk with him. Not after reading those letters, they were from my mother, the oldest were long and full of anguish, asking him why he had left, how could he took me away from her, she was pleading: for him to return, to take me back to her, she said she didn't care if he didn't love her anymore, if he was with another woman, she was telling him to come back, she offered to let him bring the other woman along, she only wanted to take care of her son, her baby.

The following letters were asking for me, some were threatening him, others were sad, she was desperate to know how I was doing, she would even update her address, asking father to let me write to her. She had returned to his father, begged for his help and he had received her again in the family, she was studying to be a nurse.

There were letters saying that she was in England, looking for me, that she had come all the way from China, that she had found the house but every time, the servants would not allow her to see me. She begged father to let her see me, to give her an answer, to tell her that I was still alive.

The last one had arrived that day, she was telling that she had married, that she was moving to Russia, as his husband was from there, she was saying that she'll keep on writing from there, and she even wrote down the new address she would be having

.

Those letters were the proof that father had lied for 16 years, that my mother was out there looking for me, that she was suffering, that even though she had moved on from losing father, she had never stopped loving me.

After those letters I grew distant of my father, I told him that I would apply to a university in Moscow, he knew why I was doing it, and he tried to dissuade me, saying that it wasn't safe in there, that it would be hard for him to send me money, that I didn't knew the language. He was right.

I decided to do my studies in England, I started sending letters to my mother, she was happy to have news from me, she would send me a letter per month, asking for my subjects, for my life in England. In return, I would ask her about Russia, about her husband, about her life in China.

It was hard at the beginning, to write to her, someone I didn't remember the looks of, someone whose voice I had forgotten. We exchanged some photographs, she was excited, told me how handsome I was. I discovered that we had an astonishing resemblance, of course she had her feminine features but the resemblance was undeniable, I only shared my father's eyebrows, while I had the hair, the eyes like hers. I won't deny that I felt warm, all my life, I had felt different and seeing that there was someone who shared my features, whom was excited to read my happenings was heartwarming.

I tried not to be so harsh with my father, he had raised me after all, and he had tried to be a good father, so I still visited him on my summer breaks in England, I got a job at the university, translating some articles. I had decided to learn Chinese and Russian in order to communicate with my mother when I'd finally visit her.

During the time, it proved to be profitable, the intellectuals were interested in the new ways these countries had revised the Marxist theory, I wasn't enthusiastic of these ideologies but the college students were curious and would pay really well for a critical article.

After a year of saving my payments and some of the money father sent me, I was allowed to go on a short trip to China. It was easier to explain a family visit, not only for me but for my mother, we agreed to meet at my grandparents' house.

Once there, my thoughts plagued me with fear and uneasiness, what if I wasn't welcomed, I was my father's son after all, wouldn't I be a nuisance? I was more of an outlaw in the Kirkland family, wouldn't I be the same in the Wang's household? Would I be welcomed there? What about my mother's husband? Wouldn't he despise me? Mother would surely have another baby by now, perhaps she didn't told me that.

My fears were cleared when the door was opened, I was embraced tightly by a man called Im Yong Soo, he said he was my cousin or something like that, he led me to the living room and the people there stared at me. I recognized mother, she looked exactly like in the pictures, I also figured out who her husband was, being the only blond in the room.

Mother stood up and hugged me tightly, she was so excited, she started crying, I wasn't sure of how to act, so, I just hugged her back.

When she calmed down, I was presented to the rest of them.

Mr. Wang was calm but he also embraced me, saying he was glad he got to meet his grandson.

A Japanese man shook my hand, he was the most reserved but his face betrayed his demeanor, when his eyes watered at the sight of me.

A young woman called Mei Xiao hugged me tightly and said she was happy to have someone around her age in the house.

I'm Yong Soo and another man greeted me warmly, recalling the last time he saw me, I had to embarrassedly tell him, that I did not remember him. He laughed it off and said I had grown a lot.

When it was my mother's husband turn, I felt suddenly intimidated, the man was tall, taller than all of us, I wasn't sure of how to approach him. He smiled softly at me and shook my hand. "So you are the little one who makes her smile with letters" he said in a heavily accented English.

I nodded. "You must be Ivan." I tried to reply in Russian.

He smiled and surprisingly hugged me.

After that, I realized that my fears were irrational, that they were kind and loving people, that "the communist" my father had cursed about was actually a doctor, that the greedy and prideful cousins were funny and warm, that the resentful old man, was just a preoccupied father, and I also learned that they had a totally opposite picture of my father, as a treacherous, sneaky scoundrel who had dragged mother out (although mother said to me that she went with him willingly) and abandoned her, finding another woman and running away with her.

Mother would later told me, quite sadly, that the three years after my birth, the situation between them deteriorated so much, that there were days in which they would only argue. Father was frustrated about money but would also disappear for days, only to return without a penny. Mother tried to get some money by selling her belongings but it would only infuriate him more, and when he returned from his escapades, she felt so mad that she would try to make him feel miserable on purpose.

All this new information was astonishing for me, mother tries not to touch that subject so much, to this day she still avoids the topic, she says that they both are to blame for that, and that she doesn't want to strain my relationship with father.

After all this years, I still keep contact with both, I've settled in Hong Kong, sometimes the twins visit me, sometimes Mei Xiao comes here too. What is certain is that my life depends on the equilibrium of the families I am part of.

I've learned to forgive my father, slowly, we had tried to build a better relationship, he has told me little fragments of his version of things, the real one at least.

I've come to know more about my mother, bit by bit, she tells me about her life, her studies, how she met Ivan, how she adjusted to live in Russia.

And like that, I've managed to process everything, to understand, and most importantly to live with and to love the family I have.


End file.
